“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

― Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, by J. K. Rowling

*Content Warning:  Discussions of violence, combat, warfare, PTSD, and moral injury*

On Wednesday, June 1st, I began my summer research at California State University, Monterey Bay (CSUMB). As a new UROC Scholar (and a student without any formal experience in undergraduate research), I felt both excited and apprehensive about what my research experience would entail. I was familiar with the campus enough to know I would enjoy working on campus, primarily in quiet spaces like the library. I also felt well-supported by my research mentor, Patrick Belanger, PhD, and likewise the whole UROC Staff, knowing I had support (and still do!) in my endeavors for research and study. As a Human Communication major and researcher, I had the privilege of narrowing in on a topic of my own interest and choosing:  moral injury in returning United States veterans and service members.

Studying the topic of moral injury was going to require me to travel past my own comfort zones in order to better understand the experiences of so many of our veterans and service members, as well as the turmoil they carry back with them as they return from combat.

You must be asking:  what is moral injury?

Imagine the following scenario:

You are a service member deployed in Afghanistan. Your primary responsibility as a combatant is to protect and defend your military convoy (several vehicles traveling together for support/protection). On this particular day, you are riding in the passenger’s seat of the last convoy vehicle, armed and alert. You and your convoy are traveling from a local village to a checkpoint across winding dirt roads, shifting sands, and cracked earth. You feel the dry heat and other harsh conditions in a land so different from the home you left behind. Your convoy approaches a bridge, which spans a ravine, where you notice a hooded figure on the hazy horizon. The silhouette is wearing baggy clothing, dressed in all black, and appears to be carrying a bag. The silhouette continues to approach the bridge and likewise your convoy. You and your company have heard reports that bridges are excellent places for insurgent ambushes, as they are easy targets for explosives. You fear this silhouette may be an enemy carrying an explosive, but you cannot tell for sure if the silhouette is armed; this person may be an innocent civilian traveling on the side of the road.

What should your response be? Do you shoot the silhouette, suspecting the person is an enemy armed with explosives that could kill some of the people in your company, or do you hold your fire, knowing this person might be defenseless and unarmed?

From my research thus far, I have noticed some similarities in how people define this concept. A concept as old as war itself, yet one we are only recently beginning to unpack/understand, moral injury is the guilt and shame a person feels when they commit a transgression, or witness a transgression they were unable or unwilling to stop, that goes against their moral conscience. Moral injury involves feeling unforgivable, polluted, and tainted to the core of your humanity. It involves feeling like your past actions have come to define you as a person. In the context of returning veterans and service members, moral injury is what they bring home with them from war: a new psychological, spiritual, emotional, and trying battlefront that they must face upon return.

Moral injury, as a concept, is not limited to returning veterans and service members; people like doctors, lawyers, police officers, and paramedics are all potentially susceptible to feeling this sense of deep grief, guilt, and shame. Equally important to understanding this form of injury is differentiating moral injury from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Unlike PTSD, moral injury stems from feelings of deep shame, regret, remorse, and guilt (as PTSD stems from anxiety and fear). The two share similar symptoms, but are inherently different in how service members experience them. While returning combatants and service members may experience PTSD, they may concurrently suffer from a deep sense of moral injury. The two concepts are not mutually exclusive; in fact, many times it takes examining both of these forms of psychological injury in order for a service member heal.

As the previous scenario presents itself, service members face morally ambiguous scenarios throughout their time in service. These scenarios are very complicated and involve many moving parts. A service member must make a split-second decision in an intense moment:  a moment where decisions may make the difference between life and death; a moment where there is no clear “right” or “wrong” answer. Combatants also struggle with the intensity of the military environment, where they are trained to follow orders without question and carry out missions to the fullest, all the while living up to the rigorous and stringent moral standards of professional soldiering.

This is, of course, just the beginning of my research, and in turn my understanding of this subject. Reading about these intense experiences of our returning service members has been challenging mentally and emotionally, yet rewarding in broadening my understanding. Through this research, I hope to learn more about what our veterans are facing, what challenges they are presented with when it comes to healing, and what our role in our society is, as civilians, to help foster that healing.

In the upcoming weeks, I will be delving into more literature on the subject, including meeting with organizers of local organizations in the Monterey County area that support veterans and returning service members. Stay tuned for more. Until then, be well.